


beacon

by verbose_vespertine



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Atmena "Mena" Jenkari'uul (original character), Domestic Violence, F/F, Original Character(s), Sith Pureblood, Slow Burn, but how else are these idiots going to work through their issues, inappropriate use of jaesa's powers, kind of domestic violence? probably safer to tag it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22865746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verbose_vespertine/pseuds/verbose_vespertine
Summary: Mena was a lighthouse for Jaesa in a time when her life was threatening to be very dark, until suddenly that light was gone. Jaesa will do whatever it takes to get that light back, even if it hurts them both.
Relationships: Female Sith Warrior/Jaesa Willsaam, Sith Warrior/Jaesa Willsaam
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	beacon

Jaesa wakes slowly, keeping her eyes closed, breathing in as deeply as she dares without letting the movement of her chest and shoulders disturb the warm weight against her back. The arm draped over her chest shifts, and she wants to run her fingers over the small ridges on the bare red skin, but she doesn’t want to risk breaking the moment apart. Instead, Jaesa stays still, inhaling the subtle scent of the Sith Lord wrapped around her.

Unbidden, the memory of the events of the night hits Jaesa like a wave. 

Mena looking so small and so fragile--so different from how she usually allowed anyone to see her. Jaesa unthinkingly wrapping her arms around her, Mena tensing for an instant before surprising them both by going slack against Jaesa’s chest with a soft sigh.

Jaesa tentatively pressing her lips to Mena’s hair, “How can I help you? What do you need?”

Mena looking up with bemused confusion, like she had never been asked that before. “Just stay.”

Sinking into the bed together, limbs tangling together, no longer knowing who’s holding who just that Mena is gripping onto Jaesa like she’s drowning, and Jaesa is the only thing keeping her head above the water. Jaesa gently removing the band holding Mena’s hair in a tight bun, biting back a quiet gasp at the scent of her long, wine-dark hair when it is freed. Mena wanting to be angry for the intrusive, unasked-for intimacy, but relaxing into the touch of Jaesa’s fingers on her scalp.

Mena drifting into sleep still clinging to Jaesa, the walls she constructed around herself shifting out of place as she does. Jaesa, curious, peeking inside. She hadn’t looked at Mena’s heart since Hutta, hadn’t felt that she needed to, but Mena’s defences down and her pain calling out too tempting. What Jaesa sees making her want to crawl inside Mena’s chest and hold the heart there in her hands, but terrified to give a name to the feeling it shows. Wondering if Mena meant to lay herself bare like that.

Behind her, Mena shifts, nuzzles her face into the middle of Jaesa’s back, tightens her grip around Jaesa’s middle. With the change in Mena’s breathing, it’s clear that she’s awake too, but they lie motionless in their embrace.

Eventually, one of them must break the spell. “Mena--”

Mena rises from the bed, crosses to her vanity. It takes her only a moment to return her hair to its usual stern bun, to fix up the makeup that highlights the sharp planes of her face. When she stands and gives the merest glance to Jaesa, she isn’t Mena anymore. She is only the Wrath, no longer small and fragile, as if she had not been a wounded and vulnerable thing in the night. Without a word to Jaesa, she leaves the room to prepare for Corellia and for war.

It is so odd for Jaesa to look at Mena and see _nothing_ , when for so long Mena had been a guiding light for her in the swirling darkness that had threatened to descend on her life. Jaesa’s parents had as much as abandoned her out of fear of her ability, but Mena had still ensured their safety. Nomen Karr had taken advantage of her trust and hidden his corruption, but Mena had exposed him, and then still spared his life. Then, this contradiction of a woman, this personification of the Wrath of the Sith Emperor, had offered Jaesa protection, had given her a home.

Jaesa convinces herself that there must be a reason why Mena is so distant, so singularly focused on protecting Darth Vowrawn, and she commits herself to the cause as well. She tries to ignore that during their entire time on Corellia, Mena does not speak to her except to convey orders. She tries to ignore that if she looks at Mena she can only see a bright red void where her lighthouse used to be.

Vowrawn declares that Mena is ready to face Darth Baras, and she is glowing with her power and her fury, but it’s not the same--she’s been waiting to face him for so long, to confront his treachery against not only her but the Empire, and she just acts like she’s been given any other assignment. Everyone on the crew has started to notice Mena’s distance from them, but she locks herself in her quarters to meditate on the way to Korriban. Jaesa meditates on her own from the other end of the ship, surprised at the complete silence she finds. Mena is usually so _loud_ in the Force, it is impossible not to find her without even trying, but her walls are so reinforced it’s like she’s not even there.

On Korriban, Jaesa watches Mena cut down Darth Baras, watches the Dark Council declare that she is a true servant of the Empire and they will not impede her unless her actions directly defy their will or that of the Emperor. Jaesa watches just the tiniest bit of Mena’s spark return to her. Leaving the council, going back to the ship, Jaesa continues to watch Mena, awed by the glow of her victory, but feeling a pit in her stomach from Mena’s continued silence toward her.

As they board the ship, Quinn approaches Mena, the words “My lord,” barely out of his mouth before Mena, high with power, pulls a vibroknife on him--Jaesa didn’t even know Mena carried a vibroknife or see where it came from--and pins him to the wall, telling him he’s dismissed from her crew and that if she ever sees him again she will kill him. Quinn tries to stammer out a number of questions, excuses, complaints, but Mena presses the knife to his sternum hard enough to tear the fabric of his uniform until he closes his mouth and agrees to gather his things. After he’s gone, Jaesa follows Mena to her quarters, demanding to know what just happened. 

When Mena won’t tell her, with a cry of frustration Jaesa tries to read her. She has to dig through the layers that Mena has built around herself, around the _incident_ , but Jaesa has at least an idea where she’s going. __Something__ happened on that transponder station, something happened with _Quinn_ , and Mena hasn’t been the same since then and it __has__ to be why Mena hasn’t said a word to her in _weeks_ , why she’s been so _empty_ that it’s made Jaesa ache.

“He betrayed you?” Jaesa shakes her head incredulously, “You’re afraid if you let the rest of us in too far we’ll betray you too, is that it?”

Jaesa feels her face getting hot from anger at Mena, anger that she hid his betrayal from them, that she doesn’t fully trust the rest of them anymore, that she laid herself bare to Jaesa for one night and then ignored her every moment since. Mena backs Jaesa against the wall, growls at her to stop talking. She’s still got the vibroknife in her hand and she holds it to Jaesa’s neck below her ear, but Jaesa presses on, finding any insecurity inside Mena she can, latching on to it, knowing it is cruel to call out Mena’s feelings of failure this way but it was cruel of Mena to use Jaesa to fill her cracks when Quinn hurt her.

“You don’t think you’re good enough, even though you’re a Pureblood, even though you’ve proven yourself over and over again, even though the Emperor himself chose you--”

“Jaesa, stop.” 

“--but instead of letting that fuel you, you hide it with sex and violence--”

“I said _stop_ , Jaesa.” Mena’s brow furrows and the blade in her hand presses harder against Jaesa’s neck.

Jaesa’s eyes widen when the tip of the vibroknife breaks the skin, but she doesn’t stop. “--and you think your violence gives you power, but it doesn’t--”

“ _Violence is the only thing I’m good at_ , all right, Jaesa? Is that what you want to hear?”

Mena’s pretty face contorts into a snarl, but the rage isn’t there in her eyes anymore. Jaesa smiles in her triumph when she sees she’s looking at _Mena_ again and not at all the Wrath, but then the snarl falls off of Mena’s face and there are tears in her eyes and the vibroknife drops between them, and Jaesa has never seen her like _this_. Tears fall as words spill out, that she’s sorry, she’s stupid, she should have seen it coming, she should have killed him, she shouldn’t let it get to her, she shouldn’t push the rest of the crew away. 

Starting to panic, shushing her, putting one hand on Mena’s cheek, Jaesa isn’t thinking when she kisses her. It’s clumsy, and Mena tastes like salt from crying, and at first she just stands there so Jaesa worries she’s made the biggest mistake of her life. Then Mena’s hand is at Jaesa’s throat and she _knows_ she made a mistake, but the hand is not there to crush or choke, it is gentle, her thumb stroking softly over Jaesa’s pulse before holding pressure over the cut below her jaw, and she’s kissing back. Mena’s other hand is in Jaesa’s hair, and Jaesa doesn’t know what to do with her own hands so she clings to Mena’s waist for support. 

Mena kisses her desperately, and all of her walls are down, she is a beacon again, brighter than she’s ever been. Until suddenly she _isn’t_ , and when Mena pulls away her walls have come back up so hard and securely that Jaesa feels like she’s been slapped, and she puts a hand to her cheek to be sure that she wasn’t.

Shaking her head, Mena whispers a single word, “No,” before blinking rapidly to clear the last lingering tears from her eyes and turning to leave the room.

**Author's Note:**

> when I say slow burn, I mean slow burn, and when I say it's gonna hurt them both, I mean it's gonna hurt
> 
> (also, yes, Mena is mine, errybody else belongs to BioWare/EA/StarWars peeps, blah blah blah)


End file.
